Make Your Own: This week Make Your Own Torchwood Script

You will need:

One cat posessed of a nervous disposition (ideally should have been enthusiastically violated by a bull terrier made entirely of fireworks as a kitten).

One bucket PVA glue

One bucket full of cliches & lazy, hackneyed dialogue.

One box lined with sheets of A4 paper

A quantity of cheap speed (ideally cut with Warfarin or similar)

Step One: Dose cat with your speed.

Step two: Just to be sure clap hands loudly at cat several times.

Step three: Immerse cat in bucket PVA glue

Step four: Remove cat & immerse in bucket cliches.

Step five: Remove cat from bucket and place in box. Shake box vigorously.

Step six: Remove cat from box. Discard (or if feeling merciful administer single bullet to skull. Cat has suffered enough by this point)

Step seven: Remove paper lining box & put in any old order (I watched Torchwood on tuesday, trust me it won't matter). Submit to BBC. Wait for vast numbers of viewers to turn in. Whilst weeping softly.

This is the actual process used for writing the episodes of Torchwood you have seen (& if you have any decency been baffled by) on your telly. The single difference is that instead of making noise at the cat Russell T. Davies wanks in it's ears.

Why not try it at home. Remember to get a grown up to help you administer the drugs to the cat.